"Samuel L Jackson"

Pre-Jovian US Ambassador


||transcript of first interaction with subject claiming to be Samuel L Jackson||
<ingoing> <outbound>



Who are you?


So, you’re not my captors? Is this another trick?

Captors? Who are you?

My name is Samuel L Jackson. What’s yours?
Hello? Are you still there?
Please don’t leave…

Why did your captors imprison you?

Because they’re backwards motherfuckers who didn’t like the way I look?

Who were your captors?

Who knows?

How long have you been a captive?

I can’t tell anymore.

Where were you before you were here?

The last thing I remember was hitting the bar with Eduardo.

How long have you been alone?

I’m always alone.

Do you have a physical body?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Do you know where you are?

I know I’m in a fucking box, that’s what I know.

Is there a door in your room?

Not that I can see. But I don’t know.

What can you see?

It’s just a box. I don’t know, grey or something? Fucking nothing in here.

How are you communicating?

I…. don’t know. It’s like I’m dreaming or something. I don’t even fucking know how I got here.

Tell us about Eduardo. What was Eduardo’s real name?

Eduardo? Why the fuck do you want to know about him? He was just some schmuck on Catalina station. Eduardo Matias Vicente, ambassador’s assistant and my friend.

We are not your captors. We have no desire to keep you locked up. However, we are concerned that you may be a threat, who was locked up for the safety of transhumanity.

Well thank fuck for that. Look, I don’t know why they locked me up, I don’t even know how I fucking got here. I just want to get out.

Maybe it was that bitch Clara. She never liked me. She didn’t think we should try to fight back.

Fight back against who?

The Chinks, the Russians, the robots. Everyone who tried to fuck with us.

Who was Clara?

The fucking Minister for Resources and Acquisitions.

Tell us about your life before you were incarcerated.

Well, forty fucking years ago I was born in Alison, Louisiana. That the kind of thing you want to know?


Alright then. I was born and raised in Louisiana, in God’s country. I studied Linguistics and Psyschology at the Gorgon academy, joined their reserves for five years, decided I didn’t like what they were doing. Came to Jupiter to make something of myself. I was good at my job, so they assigned me as Ambassador to the Chileans.

We do not know how to free you.

Shit. I don’t… Please, help me. I can pay, if that’s what you’re after. I know things, too. I can help you, if you’ll let me.

We’re happy to let you out, but we just don’t know how.

I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t even know where I am, or if this is some kind of weird simulation or something.

We’ll try to let you out, and verify your story.

Thank you, thank you. You won’t regret this, I swear. Thank you. God bless you.

||end transcript||


"Samuel L Jackson"

Fish and Finger Skewed